I have always been awkward. My whole life I’ve felt alone and misunderstood. Shit got hard for a while but the storm passed. People often judge without knowledge and it damn hurts. The reasons I am starting this blog are for self-reflection, refreshing honesty and to show my humanity.
I guess the main things that consume my mind involve the usual stories of poor mental health and my inability to cope with life, and although that may be true, I am so much more than that.
At 14 years of age a counsellor from a youth health service diagnosed me with depression. During my 20s I have been diagnosed with bipolar, borderline personality disorder and now post traumatic stress disorder. It has been a dramatic adventure, to say the least. I am now at a place in my life where I have a greater understanding of myself and what my deal actually is.
At the age of 20 my dad suddenly died. I came home from work one night to paramedics giving him CPR. That night my heart broke into a million pieces and I lost my best friend. I held onto my sanity for a few years but it eventually pushed me over the edge.
I have so many contributing factors, as we all do, but I lost all resilience and on my dad’s 60th birthday I ended up in the psychiatric department at the RHH. My journey as a revolving door patient lasted for 3.5 years until I finally had enough.
I had had enough of feeling useless and worthless and bored and depressed and hopeless and guilty. I had had enough of trying to fill in my days that seemed to last forever. I had had enough of having no long term goals.. the only goal I ever had was to survive the day.
I have self-medicated heavily with binge drinking, binge eating, marijuana and prescription drugs. I ended up in a ice addicts house and smoked it twice. I am so glad I still had some rational thought process as I scared myself into recovery.
A year ago I was doing nothing and now I am studying, working and volunteering. I love everything that I do and I have so many goals but the anxiety is still there. I accept my diagnosis of PTSD and am working through it with a psychologist. I no longer take medication as I couldn’t handle the side effects or the brain fog.
There are many occasions where I am embarrassed because of my actions and my inability to regulate my emotions. My fight or flight response is a little off kilter as I have triggers in my everyday that I am still trying to navigate. There is a lot of social anxiety, a lot of self doubt and an incredible amount of fear. I hate it that sometimes I become aggressive or I burst into tears and I can’t manage an in between.
My only hope is that people will have an open mind and try to empathise with each other. My story isn’t unique and it’s not the worst but it is mine and I have learned so many lessons and have yet to learn many. I hope that some will find comfort in knowing that they are not alone.